


Staying

by Clare_Hope



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e01 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Temporary Character Death - Jack Harkness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:14:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29460345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clare_Hope/pseuds/Clare_Hope
Summary: Ianto knows that something must have changed when Jack returns and seeks something more than a casual relationship. For the first time, Jack wants him to stay the night - like he needs the company more than he'd like to admit. Ianto stays, and then he just keeps staying.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 40
Kudos: 87





	1. Will You Stay?

Ianto was conflicted. He had been so determined to stay angry at Jack for leaving, for being gone so long and not telling them anything. But Jack hadn't even been back a full week and here Ianto was again, naked in Jack's bed in the Hub. He had agreed to go on a  _ date _ , too. So much for holding a grudge.

There was something a little different this time--something in the way Jack clutched at him and pressed even closer than he ever had before. It was never  _ just _ about the sex, Ianto knew that, but this had felt even less casual. Jack had been so careful. He had held onto Ianto like he was important.

Ianto stood up. Behind him, he heard Jack's breathing falter. He started picking up his clothes to get dressed.

"Wh...uh, where are you going?" Jack asked. He was still a little out of breath.

"Home?" Ianto replied. He glanced over his shoulder. Jack's expression was frozen in a smile that had started slipping away. "What?"

"Did I do something wrong?"

"I--what do you mean?" Ianto was bewildered. Why did Jack seem surprised that he was leaving? "You expected me to stay?" No, not surprised. Disappointed.

Jack shook his head quickly, putting on another easy smile. "No, 'course not. I just wasn't sure--"

"Jack, I've never stayed before," Ianto reminded him.

"I know. Forget it, I was just--"

Ianto tossed his clothes back onto the chair and sat down on the bed. Jack made no move to sit up. "You  _ wanted _ me to stay."

"Yeah," Jack admitted. He was looking anywhere but at Ianto. "I did. But--"

"So you meant it, then, when you asked me out on a date? That wasn't just...I don't know, but you  _ meant _ it? That you want more than the occasional shag?" Ianto checked.

"Course I meant it. Why would I ask if I didn't mean it?"

"I don't know. Guilt about leaving us?"

"Oh, I do feel guilty, but that's not why I asked you." Jack went quiet and rolled onto his side, facing away from Ianto. "But you don't have to stay. I understand now that's not what you were expecting, and I'd never--"

Ianto put his hand on Jack's back. Jack flinched slightly, but as Ianto trailed his hand down his spine, he relaxed. His eyes closed halfway and he held remarkably still, like he was afraid he would scare Ianto off if he moved. "But you also don't want to be alone right now," Ianto said softly. "Right?"

Jack didn't answer. A shiver ran down his body.

"Because the way you touched me, it made me think that maybe while you were gone, you didn't have a lot of good things happen to you. Maybe you need this a little more than you used to." Ianto took his hand away and nodded as Jack made a little involuntary whimper. "Thought so."

"Ianto--"

"I won't ask you to tell me what happened to you unless you want me to," Ianto interrupted. "I know I can't see any physical scars or injuries, and so it would be easy to pretend like it was nothing, but I wouldn't believe it. We can pretend, though, if that's what you need."

"If I tell you--well, some of it--will you stay?" Jack said in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper.

"I'll stay whether you tell me or not," Ianto stated.

"I was tortured for a year," said Jack simply. "I, uh...I was held prisoner by a guy, and he liked killing me, since I would just come back to life and he could do it all over again, and he really, really hated one of my friends. They'd been enemies for a long time, and--well, that's not important. Important thing is that he's dead now, and I'm back."

The tips of Ianto's fingers were digging into his palms as he clenched his fists with anger and pity. He was sure that Jack's account of the story was simplified and sanitized to make it sound less horrifying than it actually was.

"Ianto?" Jack sat up partway and finally made eye contact with him. His eyes were wide and shinier than they should have been in the dim light.

"Jack," Ianto said.

"Ianto, could you touch me again?"

Without hesitation, Ianto reached out and cupped Jack's face in his hands. He stroked his hair back, caressing his cheek with his thumb.

Jack gasped softly, his mouth opening just a bit. He pressed his head into Ianto's hand and his eyes closed. Ianto closed the distance between them and kissed him on the forehead, on the nose, and then on the lips. He pulled one hand slowly down to Jack's shoulder and then down his chest to feel his heartbeat. It was probably a little faster than it should be. Ianto kissed him again.

"Ianto," breathed Jack.

"Have you slept much since you got back?" Ianto asked.

Jack shook his head.

"I didn't think so."

"I didn't want to...I was…"

"Scared," supplied Ianto. "Lie down, Jack.

Jack didn't even make a joke about how bossy Ianto was being. He just put his head down on the pillow. Ianto took the blankets that were in tangles at the foot of the bed and smoothed them out over him. As much as he could, he kept his hands on Jack while he pulled the covers up to his arms. Every few seconds, he could feel Jack taking a shuddery breath.

This urge to take care of Jack was new. It was different from the protectiveness Ianto was used to feeling about Jack and the other members of Torchwood. Jack didn't need protecting right now, he was just being vulnerable. He so rarely did  _ vulnerable _ . He was always the one giving the others an encouraging speech, a grounding touch, a shoulder to cry on. Seeing him like this, shivering at the memories and asking for company and reassurance, made Ianto's heart do things he hadn't thought it was capable of doing anymore.

He noticed as Jack wiped away an errant tear with the back of his hand. His heart ached again.

"I wish you'd asked me to stay sooner," Ianto said.

"What?"

"You...it must have been a hard week since you got home. And you've been by yourself every night, that can't have been easy." Ianto almost regretted his words as more tears welled up in Jack's eyes.

"Yeah, well…" His voice broke and he cleared his throat.

Ianto folded back the covers and slid down so he was propped up on his elbow next to Jack. He put his other hand over Jack's heart again, and Jack closed his eyes briefly at the touch. "I'm here now," Ianto told him. "If you want to talk, or...or get some sleep."

"How about...I don't talk, and I don't...um, sleep," Jack mumbled. "And you just keep touching me?"

"You're exhausted," Ianto countered. He pressed gently on Jack's chest. "It's alright, Jack, I'll be here. Why are you afraid?"

Jack shrank in on himself a little. "I don't want you to see any of the dreams," he whispered. "I'm not scared...of them, I've lived through them and worse, I just…"

"Do you think I'd think differently of you if I saw you have a nightmare? Because I wouldn't, Jack. I...I've seen plenty, and had plenty of my own. And maybe I could help. You should really try to sleep, though." Ianto stroked Jack's hair. It was soft under his fingers. "Or if not sleep, just lie here with me." He was pretty sure that if he stayed here long enough petting Jack's hair like this, Jack would fall asleep whether he wanted to or not.

"Yeah, okay," agreed Jack. "That's...yeah."

Ianto pulled Jack towards him. Pliantly, Jack let himself be tugged closer. Now that he was looking for it, Ianto could feel the tenseness and the trembling deep in Jack's body that meant he hadn't quite adjusted back to safety yet. "Jack…"

"Hm?" Jack rested his head on Ianto's shoulder. He draped one arm over Ianto's waist.

"Do you want to stay like this? Or you could be on your other side and I could really hold you," Ianto said softly.

Jack exhaled. "Yeah," he said. "I'd like that." He rolled over so his back was to Ianto.

Ianto curled up around him. He kissed the back of his neck. "There, I've got you."

"Ianto," Jack sighed, "how did you know exactly what I wanted?"

"Because of course you did," answered Ianto. "Anyone would want to be held after what you've been through."

"Ah, yeah, guess so." Jack made a small, surprised sound as Ianto hugged him tightly from behind, then quickly relaxed into it. "This is...nice. Really nice. You're, um...good at this."

Ianto smiled. "Shhh," he murmured. "You should try to get some rest, at least. I'll be right here." He found Jack's hand and interlaced their fingers.

"Sleep doesn't come easily for me right now," Jack warned.

"I know, you said. Just rest, then. Don't try to sleep. Just lay here with me and hold my hand." Ianto kept his voice low and steady. 

Jack was quiet for a while. Ianto was starting to think he had fallen asleep when he whispered, "Hey, Ianto?"

"What is it?"

"Don't tell the others, okay?"

"About me staying the night or about your year away?" asked Ianto.

"The second one," Jack clarified. He laughed quietly. "Tell them whatever you want about staying the night, I just...I don't want them to know about the other thing. I don't want them...worrying, or asking questions, or…"

"I understand. I won't tell them, don't worry." Ianto rubbed his thumb in a circle over Jack's wrist.

"Thank you." He went silent again. This time, after a few minutes, his breathing deepened and slowed. Tension left his shoulders. 

Ianto closed his eyes and let himself drift off as well. Holding Jack like this...it was nice. He could get used to this.

If he hadn't already had his arms around Jack, the nightmare that wrenched Jack back into wakefulness several hours later could have gone much worse. As it was, Ianto could barely hold Jack still so he didn't hurt himself as he thrashed and let out a terrified, hoarse cry. 

"Jack, it's alright!" Ianto exclaimed.

Jack grabbed onto Ianto's wrists and held on like they were lifelines, gasping for air through dry sobs. He trembled violently. "I--I…"

"It's alright," Ianto repeated more gently. "It was a dream. You're safe."

"Ianto?"

"I'm here. I've got you. You're safe. Say it back to me if you need convincing," he added.

"You're here," Jack breathed. "We're safe." He couldn't seem to stop shaking, the tremors wracking his entire body and causing his breath to catch in his throat and come out as more sobs.

"Shhh." Ianto freed one of his hands carefully to stroke down the length of Jack's arm. "Jack, it's alright. You're not there anymore. You're safe, I promise. Nothing can hurt you here. Can you take a deep breath with me?" He reached behind him and switched on the small lamp next to the bed.

"I can t-try," Jack said, stumbling over his words. "Ianto...Ianto…"

"I'm here," Ianto repeated. "Shhh, Jack, don't talk for a second. Just breathe." With Jack's back pressed against his chest, Ianto could feel as Jack began deliberately slowing his breathing to be in time with his. 

Jack's shivering subsided a little. "Ha, that was...a pretty rough one," he whispered, trying to make light of it.

"Do you want to tell--"

"No," Jack said quickly. He rolled over and nestled his face into Ianto's collarbone. "Talking would make it worse."

Ianto didn't press. He readjusted so he was holding Jack again. He traced soft lines up and down Jack's side and back, keeping one hand situated comfortingly between his shoulder blades. 

Jack shuddered. A quiet hitch could be heard in his breathing.

The gentle touches seemed to be what was undoing him. Ianto could understand why. If Jack had really been tortured for a whole year (and Ianto had no reason to doubt him), then it would have also been that long since he had received any kind of physical affection like this. Ianto swallowed back his anger at the person who had done this to Jack and tucked his chin over the top of Jack's head. "Can I ask you a question? Nothing to do with the nightmare."

"Sure," Jack said warily.

"Why do you sleep in the Hub? Why don't you have an actual place to go home to?"

“I don’t know.”

“Really?”

“I…” There was a long pause. “For a while, it was because...I thought I wouldn’t be staying here long. Then it became a habit, and when I got leadership of Torchwood Three, I stayed because I wanted to make sure someone was always here in case something happened. I’d never be able to forgive myself if the world ended on my shift.”

“Jack…”

“It almost happened this time, and Ianto, I think--” Jack’s voice broke. “I think it was my fault.” His voice got heavy and shaky, like he was about to cry.

“Shhh,” Ianto murmured. “You don’t have to…”

“If I hadn’t run after him, the TARDIS would never have gone so far into the future, the Master would never have been found. Ianto, all...all of it was my fault!”

“No, Jack, don’t do this. Jack, don’t do this to yourself.” Ianto held him closer, feeling him shudder with a repressed sob. “I don’t have to know everything that happened to know that it wasn’t your fault. Was the person who--who hurt you, this same person who tried to end the world?”

Jack nodded, a few tears breaking free and landing on Ianto’s skin.

“Then all the blame--all of it, Jack--is on that person, who chose to do those awful things. Not you. Oh, Jack…”

“I just couldn’t let him leave me behind again, Ianto.” He let out a couple of quiet sobs. “It had been so long, and h-he...I thought...but he  _ knew _ …”

“Shhh, shhh…”

“He left me there  _ knowing _ \--and I couldn’t be angry, because the world was ending, and we were  _ busy _ , but he left me on purpose! Five hundred thousand years in the future on a satellite full of dead bodies, and he  _ left _ me on  _ purpose _ \--” Now Jack was sobbing so hard that he couldn’t keep talking. He choked on his tears and gasped for breath.

Ianto sat up quickly. He pulled Jack up with him and leaned against the wall, holding Jack as close as he could, rubbing his back and shushing him softly. “You didn’t deserve that,” he said when Jack had calmed down enough that he would be able to register Ianto’s words. “I’m so sorry, Jack.”

“And he never even said that,” Jack whispered. He went limp in Ianto’s arms. “He never even said he was sorry for it. He said it for not telling me Rose was alive, but not for leaving me there. I just…” He swallowed and looked up. “I’m sorry, you don’t need to hear all this. You don’t even know these people.”

“But I do know you, Jack,” said Ianto. He brushed his lips against Jack’s forehead. “And I want you to know that you never have to apologize to me for being hurt.”

Jack said nothing for a minute. “You wanna know the worst bit?” he asked.

“Tell me.”

“I forgave him anyway. What’s wrong with me, Ianto?” Jack said wryly, drying his eyes with the back of his hand. “After all that, I still forgave him so quickly. Why did I do that?”

“That’s...that’s who you are, Jack,” Ianto told him. “You forgive people. You always forgive people. You forgave me after...after Lisa, and you forgave Tosh after Mary, and you forgave Owen for shooting you, and you forgave all of us for opening the Rift. That isn’t something that’s  _ wrong _ with you, Jack. That’s something that’s  _ right _ .”

All that could be heard from Jack was a quivery breath. “Wh...what am I supposed to say to that?” he said eventually, the tiniest note of humor in his voice. “Ianto…”

“Don’t say anything,” Ianto offered. “Just...just let me hold you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Jack glanced up at him, and there was such a depth of affection and gratefulness in his face that it almost took Ianto’s breath away. His eyes were tearstained and rimmed with red, which made the blue of his irises stand out more. He was beautiful. Ianto kissed him, and he felt Jack smiling against his lips. Knowing that he could get Jack to smile even after he had just been sobbing his heart out...Ianto couldn’t help but feel a surge of pride.

_ Oh, lord, I’m so far gone for him _ , Ianto thought as he kissed Jack more deeply.  _ There’s no turning back now. _


	2. Come Home With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild warning for this chapter for very brief mentions of potentially self-destructive behavior (food/sleep neglect, etc)

It was late evening. Tosh, Gwen, and Owen had already gone home, but Ianto was in the middle of digitizing a stack of paperwork and he didn't want to leave any of it for tomorrow. He reached the bottom of the stack and heaved a sigh of relief.

"You've been pretty focused," Jack said from the doorway. "I said your name twice before deciding to leave you to it."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Only five minutes. I just wanted to know if you'd gone home." Jack's casual words hid the question behind the statement.

"Clearly I hadn't." Ianto picked his coat up off the back of his chair and put it on.

"Are you leaving now?"

Ianto turned to him. It was so clear that Jack was trying to conceal his desperation behind a nonchalant tone that Ianto almost laughed. How had he ever thought that Jack was a closed book? "I'm going home, yes."

And there was the crash of disappointment. "Okay, well--see you tomorrow!" Jack said cheerfully.

"Jack." Ianto shook his head fondly. "Jack, come home with me."

"Huh?"

"If I'm honest, the bed under your office isn't the most comfortable place I've ever slept, and I really like my own pillow."

Jack continued to stare at him.

"I know you said you don't like to leave the Hub empty, but I know for a fact that your wrist strap is connected to all the alarm systems, so it's not like you're letting your guard down. Besides, the Rift has been quiet and Tosh doesn't predict any activity spikes in the next week." Ianto was starting to get a little worried that Jack hadn't said anything. Had he misinterpreted this? Was last night just a fluke, where Jack had simply needed the comfort of someone beside him, but not anymore? "You don't have to, I just thought--"

Jack stepped forward and pulled him into a warm kiss. His hand cupped the side of Ianto's face, thumb stroking his cheekbone. Ianto closed his eyes instinctively, not even opening them when Jack pulled back from the kiss a few moments later.

"So, was that a yes to coming to my place?" Ianto asked hesitantly. He opened his eyes.

"Yeah, it was a yes." Jack's hand was still on his face. "I…last night, I…"

"It's okay, you don't have to--"

"It's just, I think I slept more than I have in a single night in years," Jack admitted.

Ianto winced. Jack had only maybe gotten about four hours of sleep between the nightmares and the talking and the lying awake for ages just holding each other. "That's probably not healthy, Jack."

He shrugged. "What's healthy when you're immortal?"

"Not that," Ianto said. "Come on, I'm tired, and I should probably still eat something before bed."

"Didn't you have dinner?"

"I think I may have forgotten," he admitted. "I just wanted to get this work done."

Jack took his hand as they walked out of the Hub together. "If I say, 'that's probably not healthy, Ianto', would you call me a hypocrite?"

"Almost certainly. Don't worry about me, Jack, I'm alright." Ianto felt Jack's grip on his hand tighten, and he squeezed back reassuringly. "How long has it been since you were at my place?" He knew the answer to that question perfectly well, and so did Jack.

"It was after Brecon Beacon," Jack said quietly.

"Ah, of course." It had been long enough ago now that Ianto didn't feel the pang of terror at the thought anymore. Or maybe it was just that so many other horrible things had happened to him since then, and he had gotten a little numb to it. "You and Tosh wouldn't leave me alone for a second once you realized I was hurt worse than I had let on."

"We were terrified," Jack said as they approached Ianto's car. He needed to let go of Ianto's hand so they could get in, but seemed reluctant to.

"It wasn't life-threatening," Ianto reminded him.

"It wasn't the injuries themselves we were scared about."

Ianto paused. He hadn't really expected for Jack to say the truth of it so readily. "Jack…"

Jack released his hand and gave him a small smile that didn't reach his eyes.

They didn't say much on the drive to Ianto's flat, or as they walked up the stairs. Once inside, Ianto went about heating up some leftover Korean takeout. He offered Jack some food, but he had already eaten, so he just sat in the living room and gazed around.

"You've decorated," he said as Ianto came back into the living room after eating.

"Yeah, I bought some art. There was that street artist we had to Retcon after the Weevil attacks last fall, and I really liked her work."

"It's nice. Um, your photos on top of the bookcase, they're nice too."

Ianto glanced at the photos. There was one of Rhiannon and her kids, one of him and Lisa, and a few of the Torchwood team, mostly from the past few months. “Thanks.” He sat down next to Jack--very close, but not quite touching.

It didn’t take long for Jack to bridge the gap between them. He put his hand on top of Ianto’s leg and rested his head against his shoulder. Ianto took the invitation to bring his arm up and put his hand on Jack’s back. He was still wearing his coat. The rough wool under his fingers felt comforting. Home-like. A sudden memory forced its way into his mind of clutching Jack’s coat to his face and weeping at the certainty that Jack was dead forever. He closed his eyes and took a breath.

“You okay?” Jack murmured.

Ianto nodded. "Tired," was all he answered.

Jack took the cue to stand up and help Ianto to his feet. Without more conversation, Ianto took Jack's coat and hung it up by the door, then led him into the bedroom. Unlike previous occasions, there was nothing sexual in the way they undressed and slid into bed. Ianto instinctively went to hold Jack, curling around him. Before last night, he would probably have assumed that Jack was more of a big-spoon kind of guy. And maybe he was sometimes, but right now he let out a contented sigh as Ianto put his arm around his waist.

"You're right, your bed is more comfortable than mine," Jack mumbled.

Ianto laughed softly. "It doesn't get freezing in the middle of the night, too."

"Hey, the cold is a great excuse to cuddle."

Gently, Ianto caressed Jack's side. "We don't need an excuse," he whispered.

Jack shivered. One night of being held clearly hadn't fixed his heightened response to physical affection after his year away. "Ianto," he said. He didn't seem to be asking a question or even looking for a reply. He was just saying Ianto's name like a reassurance he was really there.

"I'm here," Ianto said anyway. "Get some rest."

"Goodnight."

Ianto tried not to fall asleep quickly, wanting to be present to make sure Jack was alright and was actually going to sleep, but his eyes wouldn't stay open.

Later that night, he woke himself up with a quiet gasp and a racing heart. This one wasn't a dream about Canary Wharf like usual, or Brecon Beacon, or even any of the other life-threatening situations he had been in. No, he had just dreamed of walking into the Hub and into Jack's office to find it empty. No Jack, no coat, no desk, no scattered papers, no strange branching coral. Just an empty room. It was like Jack had left again, but this time had planned it and had cleaned out his things. In his dream, Ianto had been sure he wasn't coming back.

Jack sighed in his sleep and shifted a little. Ianto took a deep breath. He glanced at his clock--it was four in the morning. He wondered how long Jack had been asleep.

_ He's right here _ , he told himself as he settled back down with his arms around Jack.  _ Just a dream _ . It was easy to remember that with Jack here, so warm and solid and alive beside him. Ianto was glad the dream hadn't been of something more violent. The last thing he wanted was to start screaming and wake Jack up from what was undoubtedly one of the best sleeps he'd had for a long time. Ianto fell back asleep focusing on the steady rhythm of Jack's breathing.

_ Beep beep beep. Beep beep beep. _

Ianto fumbled to turn off his alarm clock without even opening his eyes. Next to him, Jack was stirring.

"Is it morning?" Jack mumbled.

"It's six-thirty, yeah." Ianto rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"Holy shit."

"What?"

"I...slept? Through the whole night?"

"Seems like it." The early morning light was starting to stream in from the edges of the curtains. Ianto blinked a few times and met Jack's gaze as he rolled over so they were face to face. "Hi."

"You've got some kinda magic," Jack said.

"It's not  _ magic _ . You're chronically exhausted and have only just started acclimating to being home and safe after a year of trauma," Ianto said. "Only natural that you'd start catching up on sleep as soon as you feel safer."

"That's a lot of words for six thirty in the morning," Jack yawned. "Not saying you're wrong. Just saying I might not have heard most of it because I'm not totally awake yet." He was absentmindedly caressing Ianto's arm. "So, you're usually at work by seven thirty or eight. What do you do for the next hour or so?"

"Get up, get dressed, make coffee, usually eat some toast or cereal. Why, did you expect something more exciting?" Ianto teased. "Sorry, Jack, all the exciting parts of my life are at work."

"Ohh, not  _ all _ , surely," Jack said with a grin. "And do we really have to get up yet?"

"You can do whatever you like," said Ianto. "But I'm going to go put on coffee." He got out of bed, not missing Jack's slight pout, and started going about his normal routine.

Jack followed him into the kitchen a few minutes later, a throw blanket wrapped around his bare shoulders. He accepted the cup of coffee Ianto offered him. "This is even better than what you make at work," he said, surprised. 

"Of course it is. My personal coffee budget is much higher than Torchwood's."

"Ha. Might have to change that," Jack remarked. He took another drink and sighed. "I barely know what to do with all this sleep. It's been so long since…well, since I  _ slept _ more than the absolute minimum I needed to stay alive. It feels good."

Ianto murmured his agreement.

It was strangely comfortable to have Jack here. Ianto just went about having breakfast and getting dressed, and Jack fit himself smoothly into the routine, not getting in the way but not disappearing into the background either. It felt like they had been doing this for years. When Jack took his hand as they left the apartment to head to the Hub, their steps became synchronized. Ianto found himself not caring if anyone saw them and made assumptions. He almost hoped that they would, as if being observed by someone else would give some credence to the whole idea of the two of them being together, whatever  _ together _ meant.

_ It could just mean this _ , Ianto thought.  _ Just...together. That’s all. It doesn’t need to be anything else. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends! I hope you're doing well. The world is a tough place, especially these days, and I hope the universe goes easy on you today. Thank you for spending a little of your time here with me in this fic! If you want to, I'd love to know what you think of it. Love you all! <3 ~Martin


	3. Let's Just Stay Like This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is where the temporary character death tag comes into play; there's also a lot of talking about death and dying and a mention of dehumanization. Nothing even nearly as graphic/upsetting as what's in the show, but I wanted to warn here that this chapter (and more chapters from here on out) gets a little darker than the first two. <3

Jack was dead on the ground. The alien that had killed him with the electric currents running through its skin was dead too, shot by Gwen as it had rushed at Tosh. Owen and Gwen were currently arguing over how to dispose of the still-sparking body and Tosh was trying to calm them down, but Ianto was focused solely on Jack.

It had looked horribly painful, dying like that. Well, at least it was quick. It only lasted a few seconds before Jack's scream was cut off and he crumpled to the ground. His eyes had closed on the way down. Ianto was glad they weren't open. He never wanted to see the emptiness behind them again.

Ianto wondered what it felt like to come back to life. It didn't look...easy, the way Jack did it; how he sat up gasping, desperate for air like he had been holding his breath for the whole time he had been dead. Ianto knelt by his body, touching his forehead hesitantly in case there was any electric charge left. There wasn't. Instinctively, Ianto pulled Jack into his lap, wrapping his arms around him to wait it out. He had never done this before, but it felt right. He didn't want Jack waking up and feeling like he was alone.

"Ianto?" Tosh came over to him, a concerned expression on her face as she saw him cradling Jack's corpse. "Ianto, he'll be back."

"I know," Ianto told her. "I know, I'm not…" How should he tell her that he was doing this for Jack, not for himself? "I just…"

"It's hard to see him dead," she said. "I...I'm not used to it either. God, I hope I'll never  _ get _ used to it."

"Yeah." Ianto adjusted his hold on Jack, knowing he would probably be struggling for a moment before he got his bearings. "I just don't want to leave him by himself for it, you know?"

Tosh gave him a gentle smile. "That's...that's sweet, Ianto. I think you're right. Can't be easy for him, can it?"

It was at that moment that Jack's eyes flew open and he took in a great gasp of air, trying to sit up and push Ianto's arms away with a look of panic.

"Easy, Jack, it's just me!" Ianto cried. He saw Tosh taking a few steps back to give them some space. "Jack, it's okay. It's alright."

Jack took some deep, shaky breaths. He stopped struggling and grasped Ianto's forearm, staring up at him. "Ianto?"

"You're alright," Ianto said.

"You...you're holding me," Jack noticed. "Did you think I wouldn't come back?"

Ianto shook his head. "I knew you'd come back. I thought you'd appreciate the company, that's all."

"Oh." Suddenly, Jack's eyes got very watery. "Really?"

"Oh, good, Jack's back," Owen called. "Jack, what the hell is our protocol for this sort of creature? We can't touch it or we'll get shocked like you did."

Jack released Ianto's arm. "Later," he murmured, and got to his feet. Ianto stood up with him to steady him as he got his bearings. Jack lingered for a moment before snapping back to business and heading over to deal with the problem at hand.

Ianto found him at the end of the day, once everyone else had gone home, sitting in his office. He seemed lost in thought and didn't even notice Ianto walking up to him quietly.

"Jack," said Ianto, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Jack startled, then smiled at him. "Hey, Ianto."

"You said 'later'." Ianto didn't want to dance around the subject. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Oh, right," Jack said. He stood up and pulled Ianto close, kissing him.

"This isn't talking," Ianto pointed out.

"I didn't say talking. I said  _ later _ ."

Ianto held onto Jack and had to laugh a bit. "So you did. Alright, then."

Jack swept him back up into another kiss. His hands roved up Ianto's back, stroked through his hair, and then came back down his front, settling on his waist. Like usual, Ianto found himself getting lost in the contact and distinct scent (which he  _ claimed _ was natural and not some kind of aftershave, but Ianto wasn't sure he believed him). Then he noticed a dampness on his cheek.

_ Am I crying? _ he thought. He didn't think so.  _ Wait. No, Jack is. _

"Jack," Ianto said, breaking away from the kiss but still holding onto him. Sure enough, there were tears slipping down from Jack's eyes. Ianto wiped one away gently. "What's wrong?"

Instead of answering, Jack just buried his face in Ianto's shoulder.

"I've got you," Ianto murmured. "It's alright, let's...let's just stay like this, okay?"  _ Why is he crying? _ “Do you want to go sit down?”

“Okay,” Jack said, his voice muffled. He let Ianto lead him down into the room below his office. They sat down on his bed, and Ianto kept holding him. After a minute, Jack cleared his throat and raised his head. He didn’t seem to be crying anymore, and there was a tired smile on his face. “Wow, I’m being kinda clingy. Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay.” Ianto frowned. He touched the side of Jack’s face, making sure he wouldn’t just turn away. “But Jack, I want to know why you’re so...whatever this is, about what happened earlier.”

“With the dying thing?”

“Yeah. With the dying thing.”

“I don’t know, I guess…” Jack struggled for words. “Most of the time, when people realize that I come back, they don’t worry about it. They just do whatever it is they were doing until I come back, like…”

“Like you’ve stepped out of the room for a cup of tea,” Ianto supplied.

Jack looked at him gratefully. “Yeah. Like that. Not many people have bothered to...oh, this is not a conversation I’ve had before. Ianto, you sure know how to turn people honest.”

“I do my best, sir,” Ianto said.

“Ooh, okay, no ‘sir’ when we’re not working, please.”

Ianto laughed. “Fair enough, Jack. But you were saying, not many people have bothered to…”

“Right. Haven’t bothered to...to treat my body like it’s  _ me _ , when I’m dead. If that makes any sense.”

“It does, and I’m sorry.”

“No, but you...you didn’t just let me lie there. You held me until I came back. I’m just not sure how to thank you,” said Jack seriously.

“Oh, God, Jack, you don’t have to thank me!” he exclaimed. “No, Jack--” Ianto kissed him, trying to pour into it every bit of  _ I did it because it was the right thing to do, because you deserve to be held, and to be cared for, and because I care for you so much _ that he couldn’t say out loud.

It must have worked, because Jack was left breathless. His eyes opened slowly as Ianto pulled back. “Oh,” he whispered once he had managed to take a few breaths. “Okay. Okay.”

“Yeah.” Ianto was sure he was turning red. Had that been a little too much? Well, too late now. All he could do was kiss Jack again.

It scared him a little, how quickly and how deeply he had fallen for Jack. They hadn’t even officially gone on their first date yet, the one they agreed to in the office the night Jack came back. Still, Ianto knew that he wanted to be with Jack for the rest of his life. (Not Jack’s life, of course. And not that Ianto had any wrong impressions about how long his own life would probably last, working for Torchwood.)

When they were tangled up together a while later, knowing they were going to stay here tonight because it was far too late and they were both far too tired to drive to Ianto's flat, Ianto found himself unable to stop thinking about the way Jack's voice had sounded when he'd said  _ You held me until I came back _ . He hated that being shown that sort of kindness seemed almost  _ foreign _ to Jack. Was he really so used to people ignoring or glossing over the fact that he had just  _ died _ ? How many times had he gasped himself back to life while friends or teammates or random people just stood by and kept on with their business?

"Does dying hurt?" Ianto asked. He regretted asking the question as soon as the words left his lips. Jack definitely wouldn't want to talk about it, and besides that, it sounded like something a kid would ask.

Jack's hand paused where he had been moving his fingers across Ianto's chest. "Sometimes," he said. He didn't sound bothered by the question, to Ianto's surprise. "Depends on how it happens, but you probably could have guessed that. Bullet in the head, I'm dead before I feel it. Electrocution like today hurts like hell, but it's over quick and my brain gets scrambled so much I barely realize what's happening so there's no time to be scared."

"Do you still get scared? I'm sorry, that's such a stupid question--"

"It's okay. I...you can ask me anything, Ianto. I might not answer, but you can ask. Yeah, I still get scared. It's not a  _ conscious _ thing. Knowing I'm coming back doesn't stop my body from pumping me full of neurotransmitters that tell me to be terrified, to fight, to not let go. The human instinct to stay alive is really something," Jack said with a chuckle. "And sometimes there's deaths that are much slower. If an injury is bad enough, if I go into shock, then it's not so bad. Shock numbs the pain, but not the fear." Jack stopped. "Ianto, you're shaking. Ianto?"

He was. He had started to tremble listening to Jack talk, and he felt like he might start crying.

"Hey, hey, Ianto. It's okay, I'll stop, you don't have to hear any more of it," Jack said worriedly.

"No!" Ianto exclaimed. "I want to hear it. Please."

"If I keep going, it's just gonna get worse," warned Jack. "If it's upsetting you--"

Ianto let out a tiny sob. He felt Jack pull him closer, a steady hand in the middle of his back. "Of course it's upsetting me," he managed. "Thinking about you being hurt upsets me. That's okay, I just...keep going. I really want to know." He put his arms around Jack's waist. His head rested on Jack's chest, and he could hear his heartbeat.

"If you're sure," Jack said softly. "Tell me if it gets to be too much."

"I will." Ianto was lying. It was already too much, but that was the point.

"There are some deaths that are much worse, though," continued Jack. "Some poisons. Drowning. Blood loss from a slow-bleeding wound that's not big enough to cause shock until way into the process." He stroked Ianto's arm comfortingly. Ianto felt a little guilty. He should be the one comforting Jack, not the other way around. "Anything involving broken bones is a really nasty way to go. I, uh, don't want to get into all the ways I died while I was away."

"That's okay."

"Yeah. But people can  _ make _ dying hurt, if that's their goal." Jack went quiet, burying his face in Ianto's hair. "Did that...answer it?"

Ianto nodded slowly. "Can I ask another?"

"Go for it."

"Does it hurt to come back?"

There was a much longer pause. "Yes," Jack stated. "Like...like I'm breathing in shards of glass."

Ianto couldn't hold back another sob.

Jack tightened his grip. "And when my neurons start firing again, there's a few seconds where it feels like I'm on fire, only I'm too busy trying to breathe to have time to scream."

"Jack," was all Ianto could say.

"Shhh, shhh."

"Jack, I'm so sorry."

"Shhhh," Jack repeated.

Wiping his eyes furiously and trying to get himself under control, Ianto said, "I won't let you go through that alone again, I promise. I'll always do what I did today, as long as I'm around."

"You have no--" Jack's voice shook for the first time during this conversation. "No idea...when I came back today, Ianto, when I could hold onto you, it made everything so much easier.”

“As long as I’m around,” Ianto repeated. “I’ll be there every time I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I sincerely appreciate it and I hope you're doing well!
> 
> I'm not really trying to keep to any sort of posting schedule for this fic because it's difficult to even plan the order of the chapters and though I potentially have 4 more chapters completely or partially written, there's other chapters I have planned that are chronologically in between them. Also, some of the chapters are codas to some of the audio dramas and I'm still working out if they fit in this fic or if they should be separate. Let me know if you have any opinions on that!
> 
> Slight side note: I've been working really hard on a very in-depth, canon compliant (mostly, book and audio and comic canon is a little wishy-washy and tbh I've never seen Miracle Day so who knows) fix-it where Jack becomes the Time Marshal of the newly rebuilt Time Agency in the early 52nd century and with the help of Some Folks rescues his old Torchwood team without altering his own timeline. It was inspired by my irritation at the implications in the show of the Doctor introducing Jack to Alonso at the end of End of Time. I took the premise that there was more to the Doctor's plan than "hey Jack here's a cute guy I think you'd like" and ran with it. All of the classic Torchwood team will be showing up, along with plenty of unexpected guests. The fic is called "Scavenger Hunt", there are 20,000 words currently written, and there's going to be a lot more. If that's something you're interested in reading, either subscribe to my user here on AO3 or come find me @queerianto on tumblr, where I'll hopefully soon be announcing the fic and posting some snippets while I continue to work on it.
> 
> Now that I'm done promoting my own fics, I'd like to thank you again for reading! Hope you're having a lovely March so far! If you're not, that's alright, too. Not every March can be a lovely one. Let's just hang on and hope the next one is better. <3 ~Martin


	4. That's What I'm Here For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Jack death in this chapter, little bit of other injuries, no other major warnings!

Ianto's knuckles were white where he gripped the edge of his desk. He could hear the loud pops of gunfire and several people shouting over the comms. Biting his tongue to stop himself from asking what was happening, he could barely breathe.

It seemed like hours before the gunfire stopped, though it was likely only a few seconds.

"Report," Ianto said as calmly as he could. There were no CCTV cameras in the area where they had tracked the alien arms dealers to. He had no visual on the team. "What happened?!"

"Ianto," Gwen came over the comms quickly. "Everything's okay! The aliens are all down, I think Owen got clipped by a laser gun of some sort, but he's fine. Jack's dead--as soon as he's back, we'll head back to the Hub."

"'Everything's okay' and 'Jack's dead' are mutually exclusive statements," Ianto snapped. "I'm on my way."

"Ianto, no, there's no need--"

He switched off his comm to Gwen and called Tosh instead as he headed out. "Tosh?"

"Hi, Ianto--Owen, let us move the bodies, you're  _ bleeding _ !"

"Shut up, Tosh, I can handle a scratch," sniped Owen.

Ianto ignored their argument. "Tosh, will you sit with Jack in case he comes back before I get there?"

"Oh! Sure, Ianto, I just--"

There was a shout of pain from Owen. "Ah,  _ fuck _ !"

"I told you not to try and lift it by yourself!" Tosh scolded.

"I told you, I do what I like!" 

Ianto sighed and muted the comm. Depending on how many times Jack had been shot, how long it took him to come back would vary. This was the first time Jack had died since Ianto had promised to always be there to hold him through it. If he broke his promise so quickly, Ianto was sure Jack would forgive him. He wasn't so sure if he would forgive himself.

When he got there, Jack was still dead. Ianto's heart softened a bit when he saw that Tosh had sat down next to him and was holding his hand. She had also put her jacket folded up under his head. Rushing right past Owen and Gwen as they worked together to heave the large, bagged alien corpses into the back of the SUV, Ianto dropped down next to Tosh and Jack.

"Thank you," he said.

"Of course," Tosh replied.

There was a  _ lot _ of blood covering Jack's front.  _ Another shirt ruined _ , Ianto thought cynically. "So Owen's really okay?" he checked, scooping Jack up into his lap. Tosh held onto his hand, and Ianto offered her a sad smile, which she returned.

"He's going to be alright. A bit of a laser slashed through his upper arm, but as he said, 'only a flesh wound', and 'I've had worse'." Tosh looked down at Jack's hand, which was clasped in between both of hers. "Jack took most of the fire. Me and Gwen had snuck up behind them in case the negotiations went badly, so we weren't in much danger."

"No, Owen, you're sitting down now and putting some pressure on that wound," Gwen snapped. "I shouldn't have to tell you that,  _ you're  _ supposed to be the doctor here!"

Owen leaned against the side of the SUV. He looked a little pale, and his left arm was drenched in blood. "Shut up," he muttered. "There's still another alien to stick in the car. I'll be fine, just give me a minute."

"No. Tosh, love, could you give us a hand?" called Gwen.

Tosh glanced apologetically at Ianto.

"It's okay, I've got him," Ianto said. "Thank you."

"Alright." Tosh stood up and jogged over to the SUV. 

Ianto could see Owen and Gwen looking his way. He knew they were probably asking Tosh about it, but he couldn't make out the words they were saying. He tried to ignore it and focus on Jack. "It's alright, I'm here," he murmured. That wouldn't help, of course. He knew Jack couldn't hear him when he was dead. Honestly, though, he didn't care. "I'll be right here, and you're going to be alright."

Another minute later, Jack still hadn't come back.

"Ianto. Hey, Ianto." Owen waved his hand to get Ianto's attention. "I've got to get back to the Hub and stitch myself up. You staying here?"

"Go ahead, I brought the other car," Ianto said. "Jack and I will be along as soon as we can."

"Yeah, sure." Owen narrowed his eyes. "Hey, uh...take care of him, okay?"

Ianto looked up in surprise. He nodded. "That's what I'm here for," he said simply.

Owen turned away without another word. That was more genuine caring than Ianto would have expected from him, but then again, it was easy to forget that Owen wasn't actually an unfeeling asshole  _ all _ the time.

The SUV drove away. Ianto wondered idly what would happen if someone was to walk around this corner and find him sitting on the ground with a dead body. Just a few more people to Retcon, a few more pieces of paperwork to fill out. He ran his fingers through Jack's hair and hoped he wouldn't have to deal with that today on top of everything else.

Jack's return was less explosive than it had been last time. He gasped for breath, but his eyes were squeezed shut and he didn't flail or reach out for something to grab onto.

"Jack," Ianto said softly.

He gasped again, this time out of shock, and opened his eyes. "Ianto?"

"I'm here."

"But you weren't even…" Jack looked around. "You were back at the Hub, and...where is everyone?"

"I headed over as soon as I heard you had died," Ianto said. "The others went back to the Hub. Owen's hurt--not bad, but he had to go stitch himself up before he lost more blood."

Jack slowly reached up for Ianto's hand and held it tightly. He let himself close his eyes again and took a moment to breathe. "I didn't expect you to be here."

"I promised."

"You did. Ianto Jones, you're incredible."

Ianto didn't respond. He brought Jack's hand up to his lips and just held it there. Not wanting to rush Jack, he didn't suggest that they stand up or go back to the Hub. However long Jack needed, he would wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello have I mentioned how much I love Tosh? And Owen? And Gwen? I love them so much. Even though this fic is thoroughly Ianto/Jack centric, I can't resist giving the others their moments.
> 
> Hope you're doing well! Take care of yourself! I love you! <3 ~Martin


	5. Just Wanted to See You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! This chapter is post episode 2.04 "Meat". Only warning I can think of is a reference to dehumanization talking about Jack's captivity on the Valiant.

If Ianto never had another gun held to his head, it would be too soon. He hadn’t even gotten the worst of it today. Poor Gwen had seen Rhys get shot right in front of her--and thank God he was going to be alright, because Ianto couldn’t imagine her without him. He was glad that she wasn’t going to Retcon him. It would be good for her to have someone to talk to. Keeping such important secrets from the person you’re supposed to share everything with...it couldn’t be easy.

He was lingering at the top of the stairs down to the medbay. Owen wasn’t doing well, either. Having to euthanize the creature was hard on him. Ianto wouldn’t bring it up with him, wouldn’t even dare to get any closer than he was now. Only Tosh was brave enough to do that. She was sitting in the corner of the medbay and watching Owen move around the room, running chemical analyses and DNA tests and occasionally letting out a cry of frustration and kicking the nearest wall or table leg. Tosh didn’t say anything. She just sat there. Neither she nor Ianto acknowledged the tears that Owen kept having to wipe away.

Jack had left the Hub shortly after Gwen and Rhys. It was clear that he didn’t want company just yet. Still, Ianto kept having to stop himself from going out to look for him. He was getting good at knowing when Jack was upset, when there was something hidden underneath the anger or the jokes. There was definitely something hidden right now.

Eventually, he felt too useless just standing at a distance doing nothing while Owen struggled and Tosh quietly supported him. Also, the adrenaline of being held at gunpoint and having to fight his way out of the situation had finally dissipated completely and he felt a little tired and shaky. He caught Tosh’s attention and waved. She nodded understandingly and waved back.

It was maybe easier than it should have been to guess where Jack had gone. The man really did like standing dramatically on rooftops and looking out at Cardiff when he needed to think. Once, Ianto had thought it was a bit over-the-top, but he kind of liked it now. The fact that at least _some_ things about Jack were predictable made him feel less lost in their...whatever they had together.

This wasn’t the tallest rooftop Ianto had seen him on, but it was pretty close to the Hub. Jack clearly hadn’t wanted to go far. He was standing at the very edge of the roof. The tips of his boots hung over the edge. If Ianto hadn’t known that he couldn’t die permanently, he’d have been a little worried. As it was, he approached slowly and from the side so there wasn’t a risk of startling him.

“Ianto,” Jack said once he was within earshot. “Is Owen alright?”

“No, but he will be. Tosh is with him.” Ianto stopped a few yards away. “Do you need more time alone?”

Jack hesitated, then stepped back from the edge. Ianto couldn’t help feeling relieved. “No. Was there something you needed, or did you come just to…”

“Just wanted to see you,” said Ianto. He didn’t move, letting Jack come to him.

He acknowledged Ianto’s words with a turning-up of the corner of his mouth that tried to be a smile but couldn’t quite get there. Suddenly, he just looked very, very tired. He reached for Ianto’s hands, and Ianto let him take them.

“Do you want to go to my place?” Ianto asked.

Jack shook his head slowly. “Not yet,” he murmured. He sat down on the concrete, still holding onto one of Ianto’s hands.

Ianto sat down with him. He watched as Jack took a deep breath and turned his face upwards. It was a warm day. Only a few small clouds drifted in front of the sun as they sat there while Ianto tried to piece together exactly why Jack was acting like this.

It was a lot of things, he figured. The situation with Gwen and Rhys, of course. Part of it was almost certainly that Ianto’s life had been threatened in front of him. But there was something else, too, that had been lingering at the edges of his mind since he’d seen Jack’s reaction to the creature they’d found.

Jack had seen himself in the creature. How could he not? Self-healing, imprisoned, tortured, exploited, misunderstood. Trapped somewhere they didn’t belong. He still wouldn’t give any more details about his year away, but Ianto knew enough to know that the similarities were obvious. And Owen had killed it. It had been the right thing to do, Ianto had no doubt about that--the creature was suffering, it was endangering the lives of the team, and there wouldn’t have been any way to help it if it had survived. Mercy killing, Owen had said. Ianto tried not to dwell on what Jack might be thinking about that.

It made sense that Jack would want to stay outside to remind himself that he wasn’t trapped like that anymore. There was probably nothing that Ianto could do for now except sit with him.

His heart stuttered a bit when, after a few minutes, Jack sighed softly and put his head down on Ianto’s shoulder. The trust inherent in that gesture, the fact that it wasn’t even in the cloak of darkness and night when vulnerability was so much easier to access, but in broad daylight and on a rooftop where anyone might see...Ianto felt himself fall just a little further.

They didn’t talk. They didn’t need to. It was enough just to exist together for a while under the bright, fleeting afternoon sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I know we as a fandom like to make fun of Meat, and for good reason. But even though the "what have they done to you my poor friend" line is a bit clunky and ridiculous, I'm always struck by the similarities between the creature and Jack on the Valiant. I just wanted to point it out in a fic somewhere.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'd love to know what you thought of the chapter. Hope you're having a good day and that the universe is kind to you. <3 ~Martin

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, kids, did ya miss me? ;)
> 
> In all seriousness, hello, Torchwood fandom! You've changed a lot since I last wrote here, but you're also still the same fandom I love. (Old-schoolers may remember me as Mod Ianto from the We-Are-Torchwood tumblr family!) I hope you enjoy my take on Jack and Ianto's developing relationship after KKBB in a series of loosely interconnected chapters. Let me know what you think, and as always (wow, it's been a while since I've typed this one out!) you can find me on tumblr ~~@demisexual-ianto-jones~~ @queerianto (I moved urls!).
> 
> Much love,  
> Martin (I used to go by Clare, but that's my middle name now!)


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